Oh, my sweet, simple Drink Koozie.
On these hot and humid days, you prove yourself tenfold.
No longer do important papers stick to a condensation ring on my desk. Never again do I have to stand uncomfortably as an iced coffee drips water down my arm. Forever I am saved from melting ice water making a mess of my life because I have you, you little promotional gem.
And that’s your other beauty: you remind me of my favorite things. Whether it’s a radio station, a food product, or a TV show, I got you because I loved something enough to get it. Or you were handed to me at a fair. Or I randomly found you. Either way, you directly or indirectly my three favorite things: free, random, productive products.
So, it’s safe to say this is love. You’re a year round necessity that makes me appear more put together.
You, dear Koozie, are sacred in my books.
You and I…
…how do I put this?
You and I, well, we’ve never been close.
We’ve had our good days and we’ve had our bad. Remember that time I thought I could walk into a gym and just bust out a 2 mile jog? Yeah, that was a bad time.
And a lot of people just seem to get along with you effortlessly. It gets me thinking that you might just be nicer to other people. And for some reason, they have a better time hanging out with you.
I’m hoping that I can get to that point with you. See, I’m tired of feeling all blobby and I hear you help make a person less blobby. We should work great together, right? We’re aiming for the same goals. Diet and I got to a good place and I’m hoping you and I can do so as well. Maybe we can all hang out together?
So, listen, I’m putting in some effort right now, can you maybe meet me halfway? Make it go smoothly ? Teach me how to look like those girls with the high ponytails and pretty workout outfits? The ones that don’t sweat. Yeah, teach me to be like them. You do that and we’re golden.
We’ve got this,
Wherever you go, whatever you play, your music brings joy to the citizens and tourists of Boston.
And you always seem to know when I need a smile. As your paws work that Keytar, I can’t help but feel my day brighten. Even without my morning coffee, when I hear your groovy beats, it’s like I had a double cappuccino. There will be times that I’m on my way home from work and I’m burdened with the day’s stress and, right then, I look up and there you are! Just like that, my stress goes away.
In short, you’re all that’s right with the world!
I hope to run into you soon.
You, yes, You, are a good person.
For starters you buy printed newspapers still. And not like the Boston Globe in print but your local town paper. In print. Do you know how cool that is? Supporting local companies is a clutch move. And beyond just buying these newspapers, you interact with them. I’ve seen you tear out coupons, finished a sudoku, and diligently read the paper from start to finish. This seems to be a ritual of yours.
And I totally approve.
Then you did something that floored me. You got up, found your purse, and then you took one step towards the dining car before turning back and saying:
Do you want a coffee?
You’ve never met me. We’ve exchanged small pleasantries but otherwise we’ve sat in our respective silences. Yet, regardless, you offered to buy me a coffee.
Before today, I didn’t know that good people like you existed. You are the stuff of legends. A mystical mermaid, if you will.
So thank you for the coffee. I hope you enjoy your paper.
With warm regards,
Listen Bro, we’ve got some problems.
To start, your incessant temperature spikes drive me insane. Who enjoys weather that is well into the 90’s? I didn’t like the 90’s even when I was growing up in the 90’s, okay? There is nothing fun you can do in this weather. The beach is unbearable. Sitting in the shade is a bit better but still far from enjoyable. Work is bearable because that’s where I can find air conditioning. And Sleep? Forget it. You’ve ruined my relationship with Sleep for the foreseeable future.
Then there are the people who are excited for your arrival. You know who your supporters are — those people who “run cold” and need to lay out in the sun on a rock in order to generate body heat. These amphibious individuals confound me. How does the harsh sun you brought to the party not causes these people have sweat slowly dribbling down their lower back? It’s not normal.
There are so many things about you that I can’t stand. And, quite frankly, I think I may hate you.
I know that nothing I say to you will make you leave faster but I do think I saw a back to school commercial the other day which means Fall isn’t far away and that means cold air is just a few more weeks. Until then, I’ll battle you with my trusty Fan.
Waiting for you to leave,