Dear Exercise,

You and I…

…how do I put this?

You and I, well, we’ve never been close.

We’ve had our good days and we’ve had our bad.  Remember that time I thought I could walk into a gym and just bust out a 2 mile jog? Yeah, that was a bad time.

And a lot of people just seem to get along with you effortlessly.  It gets me thinking that you might just be nicer to other people.  And for some reason, they have a better time hanging out with you.

I’m hoping that I can get to that point with you.  See, I’m tired of feeling all blobby and I hear you help make a person less blobby. We should work great together, right? We’re aiming for the same goals.  Diet and I got to a good place and I’m hoping you and I can do so as well.  Maybe we can all hang out together?

So, listen, I’m putting in some effort right now, can you maybe meet me halfway? Make it go smoothly ? Teach me how to look like those girls with the high ponytails and pretty workout outfits? The ones that don’t sweat.  Yeah, teach me to be like them.  You do that and we’re golden.

We’ve got this,


Dear Cooking Shows,

The other night I was hungry.  Like really hungry.    And you were making something smothered in butter and love and that’s all I wanted in my mouth (that’s what she said) at that time.  So, during the commercial breaks I kept jumping off the couch, looking for something that would be considered even close to what you were making.  And, as always, there was nothing in there because I hadn’t gone to the store.

Seriously, this relationship is getting a little toxic.  As I write this in a coffee shop, I had to get up and get food even thinking about those shows; you make me hungry for the bad/good things in life and that’s why I’ll never be able to rid myself you.  I tend to enjoy all those salty/sweet, hot/cold, good/bad combos and, since you embody all of that, you are the reason I will never go cold-turkey and will always have food ordered about thirty minutes after you turn on.

Don’t worry, you’ll get my bill for the gym.

The least you can do is keep me from gaining all that weight that I could.

Don’t forget the butter,